Moon and Tai's Superman Returns Remake
by Moon -Cien- and Tai
Summary: Moon and Tai spoof their way through the Superman Returns movie.
1. SuperParagraph Begins!

**Disclaimer: We (that is, Tai and Moon) do not own Superman or any of that. This is a spoof of the movie Superman Returns. This is not to be taken too seriously… Obviously. I, Moon, love Superman. And I, Tai, do not. This ought to be interesting…**

_On the distant planet of Krypton-_

Moon: Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute.

Narrator: What now?

Moon: Well, we have to correct you.

Tai: Yeah, _technically_ Krypton isn't a planet. It's a dwarf planet.

Moon: -nods- Yeah, it got demoted along with Pluto.

Narrator: -sighs- Fine! I must have missed the memo.

Tai: Yup. It's too lame to be considered a real planet.

Moon: Only dumb planets get blown up.

Tai: Yeah, look at Alderaan. It must have not been cool enough if Darth Vader blew it up.

Narrator: Are you two finished interrupting me? May I continue?

Moon: Yeah.

Tai: Well, for now…

Narrator: Okay then. –clears throat-

_On the distant _dwarf planet_ of Krypton, a wise scientist-_

Moon: Wait!

Narrator: What?!

Tai: Can we really call him a _wise_ scientist?

Moon: Yeah, what kind of dumbass sends his infant son into outer space? Anything can happen to him and they would never even know!

Tai: Yeah, not to mention Krypton is around 51 light years from Earth. That's a long ass way.

Narrator: All right. What would you like me to describe him as?

Tai: Well, I think Moon said it best when she called him a "dumbass."

Narrator: Fine! –glares- May I continue?

Moon: Please do. –smiles-

_On the distant _dwarf planet_ Krypton, a _dumbass _scientist placed his infant son into a spacecraft and launched him to Earth. Raised by a kind farmer and his wife, the boy-_

Tai: Excuse me!

Narrator: What?!

Tai: Actually, the whole "kind farmer" thing is a common misconception. It was actually a pimp and his hoe.

Moon: What are you talking about, Tai? Of course they were farmers!

Tai: No, no. That was just a cover-up. –nods- I'm telling you that man was a pimp and that kindly old lady? Totally one of his prostitutes.

Moon: They were _old_!

Tai: Old people need love too, dude. I'm not saying I support it. I'm just giving you the facts.

Moon: That's impossible, though. The farmer and his wife are the whole reason he ends up as Superman. They were nice and taught him how to be kind.

Tai: Who says pimps can't be nice?

Moon: I didn't s-

Narrator: May I _please_ continue?

Moon: Fine.

_On the distant _dwarf planet_ Krypton, a _dumbass_ scientist placed his infant son into a spacecraft and launched him to Earth. Raised by a _pimp and his hoe (Moon: Farmer and his wife!), _the boy grew up to become our greatest protector… Superman. _(Tai: More like Stupidman, amirite? Moon: Oh, shut up!) _But when astronomers discovered the distant remains of his home world, Superman disappeared. _

Narrator: That's it, isn't it? And you didn't interrupt me on the last sentence?

Moon: Well, actually-

Narrator: Oh I quit!

Tai: Good riddance, if you ask me. What a complainer.


	2. Krypton Goes BOOM!

_We open with an image of Krypton exploding-_

Tai: BAM! Krypton goes splodey! All right! This is awesome!

Moon: Tai, show some respect!

Tai: Why? It's just a dinky little dwarf planet. I bet you wouldn't care if Pluto imploded in on itself, wouldya?

Moon: I… Well, of course I would care! And anyway Krypton was inhabited by people.

Tai: It happens.

Moon: It happens?!

Tai: Of course. I'm sure planets explode every day, you just don't know it because they're so many light years away. And you can't tell me that Earth is the only one inhabited by life.

Moon: That's not the point!

Narrator 2: Excuse me, but are you two quite finished?

Tai: Quite.

Moon: No, we're not!

Tai: Yes, we are. Please continue, Mr. Narratorman. –gags Moon with a sock-

_Ahem. We open with an image of Krypton exploding _(Tai: Whoo!) _and then move on into those annoying credits at the beginning of movies that should be at the end. This goes on for several really annoying minutes, passing through unknown galaxies and planets _(Tai: I think I just saw Nar Shadaa! Moon: -mumbles through gag- Tai: Oh shut up, Moon. Star Wars is _always_ worth referencing.) _These beginning credits take quite a while. I wonder what they put at the end… _(Tai: I _like_ this new narrator.) _The beginning credits end with the camera zooming into Earth_.

Tai: Finally! –takes out Moon's gag-

Moon: That wasn't very nice, you know!

Tai: No one ever said I had to be nice. Slytherin, you know.

Narrator2: This movie has nothing to do with Harry Potter.

Tai & Moon: Everything has to do with Harry Potter!

Narrator2: Moving on...

_We move on into a scene of an old woman lying in a bed, clearly dying-_

Moon: That's Lex's _girlfriend_.

Tai: Really? See, I told you old people needed love too. I bet she was one of Clark's "daddy's" prostitutes.

Moon: Don't use the word "daddy" in that context. It's creepy. And we've already discussed this. He was _not_ a pimp!

Lex: Excuse me? Can you not see that my lover is dying? This is a very serious moment.

Tai: 'Cause Lex's girlfriend dying is srs bsns, Moon. We'd better shut up or he'll come after us next!

Lex: How dare you! That's very hurtful, you know. –eyes welling with tears-

Moon: I thought you were supposed to be a BAMF villain?

Lex: It doesn't mean I don't have feelings!

Tai: Why don't you QQ moar, n00b. Can we move on?

Moon: What's with this lady's Pomeranian fixation?

Tai: I bet they ate her after she died.

_Lex walks out of the dead woman's room, takes off his wig, and hands it to a little girl. The girl screams and Lex walks away._

Tai: Wait! I don't understand. Why does the girl scream?

Moon: Well, what she didn't know was that Lex had that wig made from his girlfriend's late Pomeranian Mr. Squiggles.

Tai: Oh. Right then, that makes sense. Poor dear old Mr. Squiggles. Never stood a chance.

Moon: May we have a moment of silence for Mr. Squiggles?

_The entire set goes quiet._

Moon: Right, I think that's enough silence.

Tai: Started to get awkward near the end, didn't it?

Moon: Yes, well, I had another question. This one's for Lex himself.

Lex: -stops and turns- What is it? I'm a very busy man.

Tai: Oh, I'm sure you are. Not anymore, though. -snickers

Moon: -elbows Tai in the ribs- Actually, I guess it has something to do with what Tai was insinuating. What did dear old Gertrude mean by "pleasures she may have never known in life?"

Lex: -hesitates- Er… Well…

Tai: Yes? Tell us. We'll keep your secret for you. –fingers crossed behind her back-

Lex: Well, I gave her foot rubs four times a day.

Moon: _Foot rubs!_

Tai: Well, that's lame. I was wanting something a little more exciting.

Lex: Well, she had rather nasty feet if I must be frank.

Moon: Who's Frank?

Tai: My cousin.

Moon: Why does he want to be your cousin?

Tai: No idea.

Lex: Not Frank as in a name! "Frank," as in "honest." You know.

Tai: Oh right. Of course. –mutters- He just wants to be my cousin to get close to me.

Moon: -giggles-

Lex: What was that?

Tai: Nothing… Nothing at all. Shall we move on?

Moon: I think we shall, yes.

Tai: Let's fast forward to the pimp's house.

Moon: Farmer's house!

Tai: Whatever!

_Superman, on his way back from his home world, causes the entire house to shake. We are briefly shown a Scrabble board being mixed up-_

Tai: How dare he mess up a perfectly beautiful Scrabble board!

Moon: What is your problem?

Tai: Them messing up the beauty of the English language is my problem!

Moon: you're just angry because word games are the only board games you're good at.

Tai: Shut up, fool, I'll kick your ass at Boggle!

Narrator2: Could you two please shut the hell up?!

Moon: -mutters- Sorry.

Tai: I don't think I like this new narrator anymore…

Narrator2: -rolls eyes and continues-

_So anyway, the whole farmhouse _(Tai: Pimp house!) _is shaking_… _A great fiery ball falls from the sky as Martha _(Tai: The hoe.)_ watches. The fireball burns a trail through a wheat field._

Moon: Holy shit! Superman must have had some bad diarrhea! Look at that skid mark!

_Martha approaches the wreckage._

Tai: Who in their right mind would go _near_that thing? It could be radioactive!

Moon: Oh, but look what comes out of there!

Tai: Is he naked? o.o

Moon: No, but I wish he was.

Tai: Flesh colored clothes then?

Moon: Dunno, but it's rather disappointing.

Narrator2: I can't get any work done here! Fuck this. I quit.

Moon: The job of narrating our stories must be cursed.

Tai: I don't know what their problems are.


	3. Kumar, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Mike

_A big ass yacht is floating on the ocean. _

Moon: OMG, the driver of that yacht is Kumar!

Tai: From Harold and Kumar?

Narrator3: AHEM! Can I continue?

Tai: Not with that attitude.

_Lex is sitting at a desk, researching… Rocks?_

Moon: Kryptonite, I'm sure.

Tai: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Lex: -ignores Moon & Tai and continues with his lines- Prometheus was a god who stole the power of fire from the other gods…

Tai: Nu uh!

Lex: What?

Moon: Prometheus was a _titan_, not a god.

Tai: Duh! Learn your Greek mythology!

Moon: Yeah, Wonder Woman would be ashamed of you.

Lex: Who cares about Wonder Woman?

Tai: Well, Batman, obviously.

Lex: Batman?

Moon: Wrong comic, Tai.

Tai: Same company. :\

Moon: This isn't a Superman/Batman crossover!

Tai: Well, it ought to be. Batman would turn this into a party.

Lex: Not on my yacht, he wouldn't!

Moon: Don't you have lines to be saying?

Kitty Kowalski: So we're stealing fire?

Moon: That's Lex's new girlfriend

Tai: -giggling-

Kitty: What?!

Moon: -snickers- Your last name is Kowalski.

Kitty: So what?

Tai: Reminds me of Mike Wazowski?

Kitty: Who?

Moon: Y'know, from Monsters Inc.

Lex: What?

Tai: Never mind. Move on.

_Lex continues talking as if he wasn't interrupted._

Lex: Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind.

Tai: That's not God!

Moon: That's Superman, silly.

Tai: God doesn't need a cape to be cool.

_The camera moves through Superman's icy Fortress of Solitude._

Tai: AKA his Emo Corner.

Moon: I won't deny that's a pretty lame name for a Fortress. Why not something like… The Fortress of Style?

Tai: That's Mick St. John's apartment.

Moon: What?

Tai: You know. The Vampire from Moonlight.

Moon: o.O

Tai: Never mind.

Moon: How 'bout the Fortress of Awesome?

Tai: Superman and "awesome" don't really go together.

Narrator3: I'm _trying_ to narrate here!

Tai: Fine then, Grumpy McGrumperson.

Moon: I think Superman needs to hire a new interior designer.

Tai: Totally. Crystal formations were _so_ 2008.

Moon: Well, this movie was made-

Tai: Shut up! It's still out of style.

Narrator3: I give up. I quit.

Moon: Why does that keep happening?!

Tai: When do I get to make fun of Superman to his face? For a movie about him, there's a distinct lack of Supermanness for the first twenty minutes or so.

Moon: Soon. Soon. I promise.

Tai: These scenes are boring. Fast forward!

Moon: Okay! Okay! –grabs remote-


End file.
